I lived some prime years of my life through the decadent age of hard rock and heavy metal that dominated the music landscape in the 1980's. It was an incredible time. The music was loud, the clothing was loud and the hair went all the way to 11. Anything worth doing was worth overdoing.
I followed those bands with the big hair and the black leather and the flashy guitars like they were a religion. I bought the rock magazines and studied the articles. I tore the glossy photos from the rags and plastered the walls of my bedroom with them. I bought cheap mall knockoff rock star clothing and frequented every local music store dreaming of the day I would be able to afford a sexy looking $700 guitar that would make women melt without even playing a single note.
My dedication to the music, the bands and the scene led me on many great adventures. I frequently sought out the bands when they were in town. I would stalk their tour buses and wait for the opportunity to hang out with anyone from the band.
It worked many, many times and I have these stories to tell. Like this one time when I hung out with Warrant.
It was 1989. The Glam scene was peaking. The band, Warrant, were the hottest new thing on the Sunset Strip. They were touring like crazy backing up their monster success on Mtv. They were the supporting act on Motley Crue's Dr. Feelgood tour but they were also doing some secondary dates on their own at smaller venues.
It was one of those shows that I got to hang out with the Down Boys. There was a theater down in South Jersey. It was kind of remote as theater's went, situated on some old farm land. There wasn't too much around other than the building and the parking lot. As per my usual modus operendi, I showed up really early to try to catch the band coming off their tour bus or hang around back and hope to catch one of the guys in the band if they popped their head out looking for a groupie or something.
It looked like this time was going to be a bust though. What had started as a clear, sunny day quickly turned into a dark, overcast nightmare. I didn't know we were expecting a bad thunder storm but I didn't think to check the weather in south Jersey either. South Jersey was almost like another state. Another country really. It was vastly different in population density, the type of people and the scenery.
I sat in my car, bummed that I wasn't going to be able to get an opportunity to hang with the band. I certainly couldn't have know that the storm would be the very reason I was going to get to hang out with Warrant in a very big way.
Lighting struck. Not regular lighting but a big, fat, blue bolt of lightning. It zapped a tree that had sprung up in the long uncultivated farm field. The tree exploded into a million splinters and a dazzling dance of molten sparks. Left in the wake of the split tree and smoldering wood was a twenty foot tall monster.
The monster looked disgusting. It looked like a fat, naked, sweaty man. It's face was so bulbous, its forehead and cheeks met in front of its eye balls. It's cheeks were so engorged with fat, it had jowls like a pig. There was no discernible neck, just a pyramidal stack of chin upon chin until it ended just above it's man boobs. The thing stood at least fifteen feet tall. It smelled like a locker room.
It tried to roar but the sound was closer to a wet snore. Gobs of sloppy spit dribbled out of its mouth and nose. It lifted one of its stubby feet as far as it could without bending its knee and slammed it down on the ground. The Earth shook.
The morbidly obese monster lifted its other foot and slammed it down to the ground again. The ground shook. A crack split the ground from the creature's foot and raced toward the theater that Warrant was supposed to be playing later that night. It was trying to destroy the building with it's earthquake attack.
It rolled a snore-roar again. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw what it did next. The monster bent over and jumped up, both feet leaving the Earth. Instead of slamming both feet back down, it kicked both legs in front of it. It was going to slam its enormous ass into the ground and turn the theater to a pile of rubble with a massive seismic blast.
That was when I saw Warrant run out of the theater at an incredible rate of speed and stop about ten yards in front of the monster. Lead singer, Jani Lane, stood at the head of the group. Jani was flanked by the guitarists Joey Allen and Erik Turner. Behind those two stood bassist Jerry Dixon and drummer Steven Sweet whose arms were crossed over his chest. He clenched a pare of drum sticks in an intimidating manor.
Before the monster's ass slapped the Earth like a bad baby, Warrant jumped into the air, avoiding the seismic blast. The theater and my car did not fare as well. The theater crumbled like a house of cards. My car was shook so violently, the tires fell off and the doors vibrated off their hinges. I got out and watched the battle that was about to ensue.
The monster snored in a rage. It struggled to get up off its ass and back on its feet. Warrant jumped on the monster, delivering stealthy ninja kicks and chops to its body. The monster was too well padded to affected by their attacks however.
Warrant had underestimated the size of the beats and it gave the monster enough time to get back on its feet. It slammed it's foot back to the ground. Warrant once again jumped into the air to avoid the seismic blast. But the monster countered by clapping its hands together. The sonic slap ripped through the air and blew Warrant back in mid leap.
They all landed in a heap on their backs. They got up slowly, stunned by the unexpected clap attack. Jani was first to his feet.
"Warrant! Unite! Chicken fight attack!" the lead singer instructed.
Of course! Warrant was known for doing a dueling chicken fight guitar solo on stage. The lead guitarist Erik Turner hopped up on Jani Lane's shoulders. Joey Allen, the other guitarist, mounted the bass player's shoulders. They were going to chicken fight the fat fucking monster! This was epic!
The monster was having none of it. It roar-snorted once more. This time instead of a stomp or clap, it pirouetted like a ballerina on one gargantuan leg. While up on its's tippy-toe, it started to fart. The fart echoed across the field. It sounded like a squadron of Chinook helicopters flying overhead. The sonic thunderclap produced by the enormous flatulence toppled the duel Warrant chick fight attack before it could even begin.
"That's it!" I heard Jani Lane call out, "Warrant, interlock!"
On his command Warrant was cast against a blurred background. They leaped into the air. Jani at the center. Joey and Erik clasped onto his arms, forming longer arms. The Jani locked a leg each on Jerry and Steven. Warrant had formed a giant Warrant warrior!
"Dirty! Rotten! Filthy! Stinking! MONSTER!" The giant Warrant Warrior cried out as it charged into battle.
The Erik arm reached behind the back of the Warrant Warrior and produced a giant cherry pie. It launched the whipped cream topped pie at the fat, disgusting monster. The monster opened it's mouth to eat the pie but it was too large and slammed into the monster's face, knocking it to the ground.
"Time to put this monster down, Down Boys!" Jani called out from the heart of the Warrant Warrior.
The Joey Allen arm produced his guitar which he wielded like a a battle ax. The Warrant Warrior raised the ax over it's head and brought it down on the sloppy body of the monster. The Warrior hit it with all its might and the monster transformed into a ball of blinding red light when the ax connected.
I shielded my eyes so I wouldn't go light blind. When I looked back again, the monster was gone and The Warrant Warrior stood proud as the smoke cleared. The Warrant Warrior disassembled and they ran over to me to make sure I was okay.
"I saw red." I said to Warrant. They all laughed.
They felt bad that I had to witness that. They told me that giant monsters attacked them all the time. They tried their best to defeat the monsters each on their own but more times than not they would have to work the Warrant Warrior to dispatch the beasts. They wanted to keep that part of the band a secret and asked that I keep their alternate identity a secret as well in exchange for tickets to the show and top level backstage passes.
You know I was down with the Down Boys and took them up on their offer. Warrant put on a killer show that night. They even did their chicken fight dueling guitar solo routine. Jani winked at me down in the front row when they did. I winked back.
After the show, they held true to their promise and I had all access to the backstage area. Even Warrant's dressing room where there were more girls in short, short dresses than you could shake a giant, fat monster at. Like I said, I'm sworn to secrecy but I can assure you that I now know where the Down Boys go.
